Christmas. As much as I love the Thanksgiving holiday, I have been trying to take out Christmas decor since October. I have no clue why I am so anxious to decorate for Christmas so early. This year will be the first year I have decorated since my brother passed. And surprisnly enough I can't wait. It's not so much that I have forgotten him, I will never forget my baby. I love him so much. There are times that I still just cry at the thought of him, from looking at his pictures. Sometimes I can almost feel his warm hugs, he had the most heartfelt hug and a smile that would make you give him one in return. He was the biggest giver, even when he didn't have it to give he would give it (that was a matter we use to fuss about). But he couldn't help his self, that's how he was. What sometimes hurt the most is when we have our Sunday dinners and he is not there. It's like a void...it hurts to talk about him and say, "Keith USED to, he WAS, or he DID..past tense words hurt bad. But I realize he would not want me to continue being sad, but a part of me always feel like I let him down. See, I had intentions of popping up at his apartment the night that he died. So, somehow in my mind I feel had I followed my first mind and gone, he may still be alive now. But then again, he could have suffered his heart attack after I left. I don't blame myself, I just wish I had gone to see him that night. Wasn't like he was sick, I just wanted to do something different..instead, I stayed home to shampoo my hair and prepare for this day long meeting with our Atlanta office. One thing I can say, I am so proud that my parents raised us with plenty of L.O.V.E. There is no question Keith knew we/I loved him. So that I am firm on..he knew he was well loved and he gave plenty love. Sometimes I cry a selfish cry because I hate he didn't get to see Karohn play his senior year of football then graduate. He didn't get to see him go off to college (he would have been so thrilled). He won't be able to see Aaron (peanut as Keith called him) progress. See I call that selfish because he won't get to see his two kids do these things either..he never got the opportunity to see KJ the son he wanted so badly.
After all that has been said, I know my brother was a good man and I thank God for the time he allowed us to be a part of each others lives on earth.
*Now, I had no intentions of going that route with this post. But it happened. I will post my "intended" blog later.